


A Promise

by Wolf_girl_29



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Angst, Crying, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Remus Lupin, Jealousy, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Modern Era, POV Remus Lupin, Pain, Prison, Sirius Black Lives, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 18:57:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolf_girl_29/pseuds/Wolf_girl_29
Summary: Remus Lupin has been pinning for years, watching Sirius love his other friends with an intensity that cuts him, deep.Six years in prison and he still loves him after all the pain he has been put through.A very sudden question and unexpected promise sets his long caged emotions free.





	A Promise

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first piece. And a rather hastily put together piece. Wolfstar is my OTP.
> 
> Comments are more than welcome. I can expand the series with a few ideas I've been toying with. Let me know what you think about this.

The winter wind burnt cold holes into his cloak. Not his cloak really but he liked the feel of fabric sticking and relaxing against his naked skin. He always made it a point to wear it as such. Caressing as much of his skin as it bruised his heart. Clenching his fingers tight against the overworn fabric he breathed in the smell. Yes, it smelt of him. It still did, even after six years. The night, a full moon casting long shadows against the untouched land. The pure, unadulterated pleasure of the smell of grass, full moon, fraying fabric and him. If somebody would ask Remus his dearest wish he'd just smile and shrug his shoulders like nothing mattered. Of course nothing mattered because he was gone. But there were desires, there were wishes made against blown birthday candles and burning meteors. Wishes, he was sure, could combust him with the aching want of them. A presence, the presence of him. The reason he stood there, tall and unfazed, with a cloak around his tired and sick body, still willing to go on.  
___________  
"I am not going to say this again Lupin."  
"Oh stuff it Black. You should be ashamed-"  
"I would never. I'd rather kill you than betray him."  
He fights down the sudden jab of hurt. He is almost certain he succeeds. He had always believed Sirius. It was no lie.  
Every moment of the time they were together and also every hour he was in somebody else's arm, breathing someone else's air.  
____________  
He stood there, palms digging into his pockets waiting for the prison doors to let the man he loved, his friend, out. Looking back upon this, years later, he'd always think of how foolish he was, to think that these mere minutes were longer than the six years of unperturbed hope.  
He waited, trying not peek into his watch, trying not to bounce on his heels or trying not to throw himself on him when he came out. Tattered robes, wild hair, sunken skin and maniac smile. It felt so wrong, so wrong except the glint in his silver eyes. The depth and the childlike wonder, almost unbelieving. The sacred sin of getting lost in those alluring depths. Looking for guilty peace and pleasure that did not belong to Remus. And in that moment Remus accepted all that he had been hiding from. Hiding from for twenty three years that he had known this man and six long ones of which he didn't have as much as a glimpse of him. The acceptance melted down and sat, nestling comfortably in his very embodiment, as if it has always been there. In some ways it really had always been there. He loved Sirius Black.  
He always had and always will. Even when the world declared him wrong, even when his own mind tortured the well woven lies carefully around itself. He loved him with his very being, so much so that it hurt. Hurt to see him look around for someone else, some other source of solace and being disappointed about having none but Remus. 

In years that have passed, Remus always wondered if Sirius would hurt someone deliberately, just like Walburga or Bella, and in the worst possible ways he'd been answered. Yes, Sirius Black is cruel. Cruel to the point that you'd fall for him. Cruel to the point that you'd let him flay you alive if that is what holds him to you. If that's what makes him your's. 

"Moony.."  
Sirius pressed up against him, body fitting into Remus' like it was meant to. Like two puzzle pieces of the same box, misplaced by time into different ones.  
He thinks about the cruelty, the disappointment and then laces his fingers though his hair. Dirty and ragged, coated with stench of stale years and loneliness. Its so wrong. So not Sirius. He burries his nose further into the man, almost willing Sirius' skin to embibe him and let him stay there. And there it is, the smell-the scent of Sirius, so faint yet so unwavering. His gut clenches painfully at the thought.  
"I am so happy its just you."  
The lie falls freely from his lips as if Remus had missed the disappointed look, as if Remus didn't notice the drooping of his shoulders and the flickering of his grin like weakly lit firelamp.  
"Me too."  
He opens his mouth for the first time. It comes out as a croak. But he couldn't be bothered to shy away from the rush of emotions it brings. Envy, hurt, anger, rage and love.  
"I just wish James-"  
Sirius stops. Because if there was anything Sirius Black loved more than James, it was his mask. That hard to crack, cold as the ice mask. He wouldn't cry. Not so blatantly.  
Remus tells himself, it'd be okay. But it is not, not with silent tears bleeding on his shirt. He knows they are like blood. Wounds still deeper than knives could cut. Wounds still fresh and bleeding.  
And then suddenly Sirius is pulling back, leaving him bloodied and bereft.  
Sirius smiles, more the way he used to smile at Lily when she'd rage about his empty kitchen cupboards or growling stomach, more the way he'd smile at James when he'd stumble on his bed, drunk and tell him how much he loves, loved, him, more the way he'd smile at Regulus when he'd roll his eyes and walk away with a new lie to convince their mother with.  
He wants to smile back, to tell Sirius that he knows that smile. That he had always wanted that smile for himself, selfishly so, but he always did.  
"Marry me Moony?"  
There's a little box brought infront of his face, a slight tremor in the fingers propping it up.  
"I wanted to do this the day they took me in. But then.. you know how it is. And today.. they gave it back to me with my clothes. Told me, I deserved the chance. Spending six years in this wretched place with no fault of mine. James and I had taken 3 years to get this right. We looked for the right one for two years and designed it for another one, when we couldn't find anything good."  
The box does look old, a light sheen of dust and grime settling upon it. Oh, the irony.  
"I loved you so much Remus. It physically hurt."  
Remus wants to scream, to yell, to punch, to kiss. To tell him that, yes, he loves him too. That he'd marry him. He'd jump over into a raging inferno for him. He wants to hold him against those prison gates and kiss that pain out of him. He wants to take him home and watch him eat and talk. He wants to drag him to the bed and watch him, drink in the sight of him. He wants to wake up in the morning and smile because this, this bloody thing, isn't a dream. There's so much he wants. So much he could do.  
With a painful stab he realises this isn't true. This, this pain is so much a part of him now that he cannot and will not imagine a life without it. He cannot wake up and not think about Sirius never belonging to him.  
"I.. I can't Sirius."  
He's careful not to call him Padfoot. To make sure it doesn't hurt any of them.  
"I am sorry, I can’t."  
He turns and walks away, knowing that Sirius would never follow. The over worn fabric swishes around him and he pulls the cloak, Sirius' cloak tighter. This he can do with. He can live with the pain of never belonging. He can live with this lingering smell, a memoir of the old times.  
The streets are a blur or dull indigoes and lilacs as he strides to his flat. Alone.  
Sirius had held out a ring, a promise that he had designed and offered. The denial didn't hurt, so much a part of him, it just didn't. After all, that was what he lived with. Denial and love. Hell, he hadn't even bothered to look at Sirius' face for reaction. A reluctant wave of guilt and shame swirled through his gut.  
But, this was Sirius Black, right. He laughed, high pitched and hysterical, shoving the key through the lock and twisting it vehemently. The voice sounded unhinged and entirely not human even to his own ears.  
Slamming the door shut he let himself fall and succumb to the mess fate has 0ut him in. Mess, that is what this is, clutching his hair in a near maddening rage he screams. Because, what else could he do.   
Sirius had come back, for a few precious minutes and then, just like that, he was gone. He nodded, burrying his head into his knees, the door against his back, his only anchor to the world.  
"I am not gone Moony."  
Silence .  
"I can't... for that."  
His voice.  
"Don't... I... Won't offer this.. Please... Moony."  
Even through his delirium he can hear, feel, the cracks and dentures in the mask.  
"I love you, Remus."  
Remus hisses, the mask cracks too audibly for something as abstract. A tad bit too late he realises, it was never abstract. It was always there, between them, as sure as the air between them now.  
There are knees pressed up against his, a forehead pressed against his bent head, a warm breathe ruffling his hair.  
A tentative hand reaches out to graze his knuckles.  
"I am so sorry. I shouldn't have jumped your bones like that."  
A watery chuckle.  
The silence is deafening.   
"You shouldn't have."  
Remus says finally. There are fingers coaxing his face up. The dim overhead light in the hallway, just enough for him to see his brown eyes fading in the mist of those silver ones.  
"I'd do that for you, Remus Lupin. It was more a promise than proposal. I won't, don't want want to hurt you again. Ever."  
The words are a strangled litany, an assurance.  
"I'd kill for James. But I'd die for you, Moony. I love you, that way. That bad. "  
He exhales softly, letting the years wash over him. Sirius knows him too well. And he wasn't any good at hiding from him either.  
"I know. So do I."  
He closes his eyes and pulls Sirius closer, letting their foreheads rest, sharing each other's breathe.  
"I know and I love you that bad too."

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a kudos if you enjoyed it. My brain is brimming with ideas. This a first so maybe its a bit sloppy. But I can improve. Let me know your views.  
> Thanks.


End file.
